Tier 1 Relationships

What's the Difference Between Enabling and Caring?

Too Long; Didn't Read

Caring helps someone grow stronger. Enabling helps someone stay weak. The difference is whether your 'help' requires them to take responsibility or removes it from them entirely.

The Critical Distinction That Changes Everything

Most people confuse enabling with caring because both feel like love. But only one actually helps the person you're trying to support.

What Caring Looks Like

Caring:

•Supports their ability to handle problems

•Expects growth and responsibility

•Says "I believe you can figure this out"

•Provides tools, not solutions

•Has boundaries and limits

•Feels difficult for both parties

Examples of Caring:

•Listening to their struggles without immediately fixing

•Helping them research solutions rather than providing answers

•Offering emotional support while maintaining expectations

•Setting limits on what you will and won't do

What Enabling Looks Like

Enabling:

•Removes consequences and responsibility

•Expects nothing in return

•Says "Let me handle this for you"

•Provides easy escapes from problems

•Has no boundaries or limits

•Feels temporarily easier

Examples of Enabling:

•Paying bills they should handle

•Making excuses for their behavior

•Cleaning up messes they created

•Lending money without repayment expectations

The Enabler's Dilemma

Enablers often feel trapped: "If I don't help, something terrible will happen." But the terrible thing is already happening. The person never learns to help themselves.

How to Shift from Enabling to Caring

1. Ask the Crucial Question: "Will this help them become more capable or less capable?"

2. Start with Small Boundaries: Don't go from enabling everything to helping with nothing

3. Expect Resistance: They're used to you solving problems

4. Focus on Process, Not Outcome: Support their effort to solve problems, not the specific solution

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Dr. Gore's Take

Professional insight on this topic

"Every time you solve a problem they should solve themselves, you're telling them they're not capable. That's not love—that's emotional crippling disguised as kindness."

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